I have a friend who lives in another city.
She is very inexperienced with men(never had a boyfriend) and does not have a relistic view of anything that has to do with men.
When she is telling me about another guy she met online, from what she is describing, I can see a lot of red flags right away and know it is not going to end well.
But I can't tell her that because she is saying this is the happiest she has ever been, she can't believe this happened to her, she is afraid to jinks it... (she is like that every time).
And again, I don't have the heart to correct her. I was right in my conclusions every single time (and I never voiced my negative opinion to her). Instead of upsetting her by telling her what I really think of them(based on her accounting of events) I do nothing. She is very upset later, when it naturally does not work out.
And I feel bad. But would telling her what I think when she is hopeful be any good? Would it be better?
I would tell what I think to any of my other girlfriends. Because I know they would understand me and could handle it. But they don't need help reading social cues and socializing with people. This girl does. And I would like to help her, but I am afraid that if I'm honest she'll be hurt.
What would you do?
What would a good friend do?
September 9th, 2009 at 08:16 pm
September 9th, 2009 at 08:26 pm 1252528010
I don't think that you can save your friend from learning life's tough lessons in love. If she is young and inexperienced this may be a phase she has to go through. Maybe make a cautionary statement, but then move on.
My best friend has such an unrealistic expectation for a potential mate that she is still single at 45 and will probably never marry. As her best friend, I've pointed things out to her, emphasized what I see, and she hasn't learned or listened to a thing - again, it is not my job to educate or teach her anything about herself. I have, however, had to back away from situations because it can be very difficult to listen to her about her woes when she is experiencing them, and I, as her best friend, are privy to all of it.
September 9th, 2009 at 08:27 pm 1252528022
You: "yes, it is possible for a guy will have a female roomate but 99% of the time if he is living alone with a girl then they are in a relationship!"
Her: "yeah, but I think these two are roomates-I can see him wanting to save money and she didnt want to live alone because she is afraid and they were friends so they decided to just live together. I could see that."
You: "Groan. sigh."
September 9th, 2009 at 08:47 pm 1252529242
Gamecock, I understand what you are saying.
The guy had 2 DUIs, lost his licence, has to be driven everywhere and she saw him drink 10 beers at his birthday party and all his friends were totally drunk... I cautiosly asked if she thinks he may have a drinking problem. She said of course not, this was a party. He does not drink that much every time.
For me, 2 DUIs and revocked lisence alone would have done it. I mean if he did not learn after the first one... But would saying this to her help? Probably not, right?
September 9th, 2009 at 09:10 pm 1252530623
At this point, sounds like she would be setting herself for relationship failure. I would guess that she has low self esteem as evidence in her denial and finding this behavior totally acceptable.
I would suggest that she go into counseling to get some professional help to overcome a social phobia (my guess). And I'd suggest she join a singles group at a church - at least the crop of potential mates should be several rungs above this present choice.
September 9th, 2009 at 09:16 pm 1252530969
Tell your friend the truth, do it tactfully and kindly with love. Explain it doesn't mean that she is a bad person, but you see things about him that could be very bad.
September 10th, 2009 at 04:23 am 1252556637
September 10th, 2009 at 07:01 am 1252566106
September 10th, 2009 at 12:45 pm 1252586718
Funny thing, but I also know guys that I think have very unrealistic views of women. Their views would be laughable in a sitcom if it wasn't real and they are sadly serious.
With guys though, we're all used to some level of critique and jabbing so... I think it's a lot easier to approach than your friend.
Still, usually, I would go with along the lines of, "Listen. I am hoping this all works now. But just to minimize the chance of any mishaps, I just want to run a couple of ideas across you for you to protect yourself. Because you know how online is and all those crazy predators out there."
That sort of thing. Again, the idea is not so much to stop your friend as it is to try to soften the damage from the potential crash.
Edit: Excuse me? This guy has 2 DUIs and can hold down 10 beers at a single sitting? Um... ok. Far be it for me to judge but uh... that's a huge red flag. Hope he's not an angry drunk (let along just manipulative).